With gratitude to Sensei, Qapel, Namgyal Rinpoche, lineage, to transmission, to the power of sangha, the teachings of awakening, and the awakening that dwells in all beings. Thich Naht Hanh, Suzuki Roshi, Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche, (Jesus Christ, Muhammad!)… A mirage of their memories, hurts, previous perceptions. With my set of lenses, biases, hurts, looking at her as clearly as I can. As spiritual practitioners, we can think we’re well beyond commonplace gender bias-of course I’m not a misogynist, I’m a holy, woke, feminist spiritual seeker! How can I help? The pain in the heart moved. At some point, the Teacher’s presence and steadfastness allows the student’s guarded heart to have the confidence to surrender. Through all of this, I see more clearly all the ways I have dismissed my female Teacher and the women in my life. What does your hero(ine) do to navigate life and death? Four deep ego fears in action, and for me, often, fear of death. At depth we know, without her care there lies abandonment, annihilation, death. Fear of annihilation, abandonment in my left shoulder blade; a numbness, a tightness, a stabbing pain… By the time I got back from the store, it had been an hour and a half since I’d left her.
Ultimately, I left New York City with the intention of making a full run of Unsweetened on the West Coast; however, things quickly changed upon my arrival. But, dear friends, after 18 years of yearly, long meditation retreats, and constant training in the Dharma with very awake Teachers, I am of the opinion that there are places in my consciousness that are thick like mud, and that the filters we wear run very deep, for decades! I careened like a spaceship travelling to new coordinates on the galactic starmap. This is the case for me, and, no surprise, like clockwork these responses are mapped onto females of authority in my life; my first and oldest, deepest template for this being my mother. About 20 years ago I started practising in sanghas accustomed to male leadership-Doug (Qapel) Duncan and Goenka Ji in my case. So if I felt I was not equal in potential to my male sangha brothers, how could I have the confidence in my female Teacher that I had for my male Teacher? All the floats display treasures that have been cared for over many centuries. There are 34 floats in the festival’s total procession. At that time, you are flooded, overflowing.
I settle into the awareness of taste, texture, sensation and at the same time, the Teacher in front of me, who demonstrates graceful equanimity and enjoyment. If I have learned anything from having a female Teacher and a diverse sangha, it is that my ping-pong ball reactions set off, bouncing in all directions with every contact made between us. Well, I needn’t have worried, because in comes the abbott, looking like a good friend you might visit the beach with. Some ping-pong balls are more obvious and some are less conscious; some are painted bright yellow, and some are like ghosts. But all our ‘mothers,’ as the one who birthed us, are also the universal source of life, of care, Beautiful female yoga couple of nutriment. And I saw that she is in one hell of a difficult position. A strong man and a cute little girl are sitting meditating in the lotus position. Elderly woman and man in casual clothes sitting in the lotus position. Man and woman sits in calm concentration. Pregnant Woman and Fitness Instructor, Trainer Cartoon Characters. I wandered around the grocery store awestruck by the smells, colours, tastes, picking out ingredients to cook for future dinners. Of all things that unearthed the old bones, it was a shopping expedition to the grocery store, a small communication lapse that triggered the storm of baggage clearing.
For me, as the mind quiets, focuses, the body-mind becomes like an archeological dig-chunks of old metal imbedded in flesh, leakages from the heart, constrictions in the gut. Old wounds, rubbing up against the rhythmic sandpaper of one’s Teacher’s penetrating mind. Exhausted by that swordplay, the mind shifted to: Okay. After she relocated across the country and met her business partner, her focus shifted to activewear brand Beyond Yoga. 21 June International yoga day banner or poster with young couple sitting in meditation or lotus yoga pose on greensward. As a young person I heard stories of Buddhist nuns in Asia praying to be born as men in the next lifetime, for greater spiritual attainment. My mother was a good person doing the best she could. Yet, in the world of human form, physicality, conceptions, you are also all the time something of a mirage to this person. My entire life, I have watched incredible, smart, beautiful women not see themselves as they are and try to conform to a singular idea of beauty. I have felt she didn’t understand me, that she misunderstood me, behaved harshly with me.